KK WISDUMBS

That was the lie I learned early anyways.

I remember at 9 years old coming down the escalator with three friends, laughing and cracking jokes. We were about to walk in a little wannabe but why not kids runway show. Cute, right? Wrong…

Out of nowhere, a girl who had been staring at me I didn’t even know slapped me across the face. She then said:
“You think you’re better than everyone else, don’t you?”
The other girls froze, eyes wide. No one knew what to say.
Tears streamed down my face. I ran to my mom and told her what happened, but there was no time. We had to go backstage.

I remember thinking, what did I do wrong?
Why would someone hit me for just existing?
And just like that, I learned, don’t ever let anyone think you think you’re better than them by being too big or too happy.

That message got reinforced again and again my entire life until I learned.

When I started at a new school I was excited about, I was bullied by a group of girls first day for again, being there . Gum in my hair, laughter behind my back, threats to squash my skull ( can’t even repeat the rest but ya they thought they were tough shi✨ in my little town🙄 )

However, because they threatened that and wanted to meet me outside for a fight I wasn’t a part of, I got emergency expelled along with the bully for threats made TO ME. #makeitmakesense 🧠

The principal called me and my mom in to his office and said, “Maybe she shouldn’t dress so nice. Don’t be so put together. That could be part of the problem. These girls are feeling threatened.”
Oh, right. What was I thinking? Dressing nice? Being excited to belong on my first day? That calls for D* threats for sure . I forgot I was supposed to stay small. I should’ve showed up in that garbage bag I just got on sale at Target they would have LOVED that 👌🏼

I think that’s where my comedy came from, self-deprecating.
Hence why this account is called, @KKwisDUMBs. Would anyone want to listen to  me if I was @kkSMARTS? 😂 I mean, I also can’t spell tho and no, that part’s not self-deprecating. I really can’t spell 🙈😂
Anyway, back to my story.

I knew as long as you stay dumb, small, don’t dress too nice, don’t stand too tall, constantly make fun of yourself, and win quietly people will be cool with you.
But what a lie.

It kept me stuck. Made me self-destruct and kept me afraid to stand out .

I always gravitated toward the underdogs. I chose the misfits and the troublemakers over the perfect straight A kids.
Part of me felt like I had to be the rebel, the bad one, even though deep down I wasn’t. My heart was too soft, too big.
But I figured I’d be safe as long as I wasn’t the good or shiny one.

I had a best friend I loved deeply.
She had been through a tragic event, and I went out of my way to show her love.
I introduced her to my circle. And even my family took her in after a big loss so she wouldn’t feel alone.
But somewhere along the way, she started resenting me.
I had a medical condition for a minute and lost some weight, and she began spreading rumors that I was anorexic.
In reality, she was battling an eating disorder herself and  had  scheduled a liposuction without telling me.

She got cold, Short, Distant. And I didn’t understand. I just kept praying. Asking God to help me keep loving her even when it hurt because I was so confused. What did I do wrong?

Eventually, she admitted the truth.
“I get upset when people compliment you all the time . When we’re out, everyone is always coming up to you in front of me and complimenting you , saying  this or that  blah blah and  no one  says anything about me.”
She said she knew it wasn’t right, but she couldn’t help how she felt about me .
It broke my heart. This is why u don’t like ME?!
Because even after everything I did, all the love I gave, it still wasn’t enough. She was mad at  me over something I couldn’t fix or change and I was powerless on how she felt.

After that I would be screaming inside  if someone tried to complement  me in front of her or anyone . I’d try to change the subject and make it about her . I was so scared she was going to get mad at me but  then I realized it wouldn’t have mattered and I couldn’t control it. She is gonna be upset  anyway and I had to be ok if I couldn’t feel loved  by her anymore.
And that’s when I finally understood.

You can give someone all the love in the world.
You can make yourself small, silent, self-deprecating.
You can bend and shrink and beg for approval.
But if someone is committed to not seeing your worth, it won’t matter.

They’ll never be your people.
Not when you’re small.
Not when you’re big.
Not ever.
So you might as well shine.
You want to know how they are your people? Your people will want to see you win 🏆  There  is no competition in love.
Because if someone can’t stand your light, it’s not your brightness that’s the problem,
it’s their own darkness.
And that’s not your responsibility.

I love that meme that has gone viral, “Don’t shrink to make others comfortable,”
You’re just hurting yourself for people that don’t even want to see YOU for their own reasons .
Your light is not the problem and their insecurity is not your burden to carry.

– @KKwisdumbs